Monday, January 23, 2006

A Quick Trim Below the Knee

Who would have thunk those games would be so lame? Too bad really, as I had people over to watch them. Or maybe not, as everyone could talk and socialize at will without worrying about talking over a key play.
I also learned from two people present that it is not actually unusual for my ankle to still be swollen after nearly eight weeks. Good news to me, who was beginning to worry I would have an old lady ankle from here on out. It is working pretty well. I played football again yesterday, with a big club on the end of my right leg made of coach's tape, ace bandages and a brace. I could barely get my cleats on over it. It sounds kind of tough and manly until you realize all those layers of Sporting Gear cradle a smoothly shaven ankle.

Yes, I shaved my legs yesterday morning.

Well, not the whole legs, just the ankles. Basically what would be covered by a crew length sock. (Who knew sailors were so picky about hose length?) Like most white men who cross over into the World of Those Not White and Male, I emerged a little bit humbled and freaked. When I first injured the ankle, after I was carried off the field, I propped up the rapidly inflating limb, grabbed a couple rolls of tape and just taped the hell out of it. This made it possible to do things like stand up and pedal my bike with the other foot to the bar for apres' football beers. It wasn't a terriblle thing to do, but I realized later that night I had not thought the thing through to the endgame, which involved removing what amounted to a one-and-a-half square foot bandaid from the end of my hairy leg. Luckily I was already in a fairly agonized state, pain-wise, so it was more a diversion than anything else, but I learned two lessons that day:

I should tape my ankles for football to avoid excruciating injury.

I should shave them first.

This has worked out pretty well, and has opened my eyes quite a bit. I think most men think of the razor as a male sartorial tool, one women borrow from time to time but that we as a sex have really mastered. After all, most of us use it every day. True. But we use it standing straight up with a well lit mirror inches from our face, dragging the razor straight up and down over one point of topographical interest, and thats if we are lucky enough to even have much of a chin. My brief ankle-shaving experience has shed a whole new light on the expertise a woman needs in the skills of both Razor Handling and Contortion to produce even modestly satisfactory results.
All I wanted to do was keep my hair from being ripped out and it was a clinic on clumsy. If I had to be sure not one hair was missed, that my ankles were, to the touch, say it with me..."silky smooth", I would have been crouched on tub edge all morning. And you can't see a damn thing! Every time you bend over to begin, you block the overhead light. It's ridiculous.

Is it as ridiculous as walking around the rest of the week with 1/4 shaven legs? Maybe not. But close.

8 comments:

  1. Welcome to Our world, bub.

    As for the cleats...I was such a tomboy growing up that I wore my softball cleats (which were basically men's grass football cleats) all throughout 4th grade. I thought I was THE bomb.

    And halle-freaking-luiah I was finally able to decrypt my username here. I wanted to post a snarky response to one of your former entries, but got fed up when I couldn't remember my 'access codes'. I'll be snarky later on...I guarantee it.

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  2. You are such a freak, albeit a very funny freak.

    Is waxing just too far out of the question?

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  3. See, and all you men out there thought that childbirth was the only time that we women work hard enough to do something that's called labor. Next thing I want you to try, Don, is putting on mascara in a moving vehicle, extra points if you are the one who's moving it and you don't get in an accident.

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  4. Anonymous12:00 AM EST

    One Gillette Mach3 Turbo razor-$24.00.
    Package of 8 Mach3 replacement cartridges-$18.00.
    Can of shaving cream-$2.00.

    Picturing Don Wood shaving his legs-priceless!

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  5. *and* we manage to perform this feat with less than 20 blades.

    why do men need so many blades on their razors?!

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  6. The next shaving challenge is to take that razor safely to the groin area-- and see how well you can endure the discomfort of the hair beginning to grow back in.

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  7. Anonymous10:53 AM EST

    Seriously, if you're going to be doing this on a regular basis you should consider waxing. 10 minutes of pain = a month or two (depending on factors such as hairiness) of silky smooth.

    If that's going to far, try shaving with with your foot braced on/in the sink. Keeps you from blocking your own light.

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  8. While the vision of Don Wood shaving is almost too priceless to offer alternative advice...

    You might want to just look into pre-wrap. It's a dandy product, and you can both keep your hair and your dignity. Also, if you go to the right source (I recommend http://www.pre-wrap.com/) then you can even purchase it in various and sundry colors... my three little athletes demand that I buy about a case every six months... granted one of my athletes is a girl and does use it for headbands also (see the website). Further, because of local neighborhood sports vs. school sports vs. private club sports vs. dance - we actually "need" red, green, black, blue and pink prewrap (instead of the traditional Green Mtn Gold that they sell at Walgreens.

    Now... imagine shaving with a huge pregnant belly preventing you from bending... In labor with my son, I realized I had only managed to get done with the left leg and panicked at the idea of all those people seeing my hairy right leg!

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